My motherhood

I won't be lying to you dear readers ... I'm a shit mother. Yes I love my son more than life itself and yes I'm a first time mum. Well the second characteristic can't be really treated as an excuse in my case and I don't think it should be the one. I do what I can but I seem not to have this mystic patience other mothers do have. I stress constantly over everything and I don't think that going back to work when one has a toddler is a bad thing. My son is a fussy (extremely) eater so his diet is not great, has terrible tantrums as he is extremely strong willed and stubborn, still in pull ups at 3 (I'm trying to change it) and is recently having big issues with digestion probably due to poor diet. Every day I'm painfully aware of my failure as a mother. Have I accepted it? Well, no I can't but on the other hand what else can I do? So my dear female readers (in some situations male too) you are for 100% a better mother or parent that I am.

Coming back ...

Few weeks ago I wrote a piece on flying back home so now is a time to say a bit about coming back to UK. Sorry for the lack of being so negative again but ... I truly hate coming back here. I'm getting up in the morning and there is a bloody silence everywhere. Of course I can hear my son saying 'Wake up, wake up' or 'Mummyyyy' but that's all. If I'm at home and he is at preschool outside my work hours then I could sit whole day and not receiving even one phone call or text message asking 'How are you'. I have no friends or I should say no real friends around me and most of the time I feel like no one gives a crap about me. My husband thinks that texting or calling him while he's at work (and he is from dawn to dusk) is not appropriate because he trusts me with our son, he's busy at work. So I end up talking to myself. I have no help with my son and can't share the constant stress of motherhood with anyone. Another reason for my dislike of coming back is that there is always something that goes wrong soon after I'm back. Always new shit gets poured on my head adding to already stressful situation. There are also other reasons but the above are the most painful of all.

Flying home ... for holiday.

I think there are better ways of starting a blog then discussing the longing but it's with me all the time. I have been always using my whole energy, financial capacity and free time (including annual leave allowance at work) to spend holiday at home. I can remember well the only times I spent holiday somewhere else, there was also a period when I was flying back and forth every 3 months. All this because I'm missing my family back in Poland. I won't lie I'm exhausted by flying especially that for 3 years I'm doing it on my own with the toddler most times. Someone could say "Stop doing it if it's too much" but I guarantee that the owner of this remark most likely is not a migrant. I love my family and I constantly worry about my elderly grandad, what terrifies me the most is that I may not be present at home when in the future I'll have to say the final goodbye. Even thinking about it like happened with my grandma bring back the traumatic feelings. So I will be going back and forth as long as I can and I will be giving up those "real" holiday. Do I take something away from my husband? Well, yes I do and sometimes I do feel sad about it. Is it selfish? Well, yes it is and do please believe me I'm one of the least selfish people I have ever knew (I think it's not such a good thing though) but with this I simply can't be other way. Conclusion: Sometimes we do things that aren't easy and we not always can spare the loved ones from forcing certain choices upon them.